How To Survive - And Thrive - In This Extroverted World

Recently, I spoke with my seemingly extroverted cousin Dan about introversion - a topic he was completely uneducated about. After several minutes of discussion, I had him take the Quiet Quiz (link on "Intro to Introversion"). As he finished the quiz, my assumptions of his seemingly obvious personality traits proved to be very wrong. He scored as a Moderate Introvert - the same as what I scored. Now, let me tell you this; my cousin appears to love external stimulation and is rarely still - unlike me. He is constantly looking for new things to learn, new people to meet, and new experiences to be had. So I, for one, am perplexed as to how he, of all people, could score as any type of introvert. 

From an outside perspective, it seems that he lives a very exciting, gregarious existence; he always seems so busy, happy, and overbooked with what life has to offer. Although it doesn't make any sense that somebody like Dan, who scores as an introvert, can exhibit almost all the typical extrovert's traits, there is something to be said as to how my cousin is making life his "work". Maybe all my cousin has to do is go to the mirror, flex and yell "YOU CAN DO IT", put on his extroverted face, and challenge the world. There is something to be said about the fact you can "learn" to live life to the fullest even with what society considers a "hindering" set of traits.

Though every introvert is different in their own way, I would like to explore the ways how a typical introvert can live their life to its fullest potential, addressing a few aspects that we have control over. I will focus on four different areas: friendships, relationships, career opportunities, and the idea of how to fake extroversion.

As far as relationships and friendships go, I would assume that introverts mesh best with similar introverts. We understand the importance of solitude and "quiet time". With friends though, having extroverted friends is a nice option sometimes. When we are feeling like having a kick-ass good time, it might be best to call up one of those extroverted friends. But if we want to just have a relaxing evening, it might be best to do this in solitude or with
a couple of those reliable introverted friends. Something introverts should keep in mind, though - as Cherie Burbach explains - is that, whether you are trying to meet new people or keep the close relationships you have already made, it's important to " schedule a limited amount of time that is comfortable to them to do a group activity", get out of that comfort zone once in a while, learn the art of small talk, and know that it's perfectly reasonable for an introvert to "have a fun and fulfilling life by having one or two close friends" rather than a multitude of friends.

If you're wondering about the chances of an introvert having any possibility of creating a long-lasting relationship with an extrovert, know that anything is possible. As I've said, we are not all cookie-cutter introverts and extroverts. You may lean more towards being an ambivert and could mesh with either an introvert or extrovert. It all depends, and it's all possible. As Dr. Nerdlove explains, there are at least three steps to take when trying to find that good balance every relationship needs. First, "discard any ideas you may have about what all introverts or extroverts are like and focus on the individual." Next, if stereotypes happen to collide, it's important to learn "to see things the way your partner sees them". Finally, in order to keep the balance, you must be able to compromise. These steps would be wise to keep in mind, not only in an introvert-extrovert pair, but with any type of relationship.There are problems that are bound to arise, and these three strategies could assist in any conflict that occurs.

Now, when you think of a fun job that you could really enjoy and thrive in, what would you think of? For most, it would be something along the lines of: salesman, cashier, and other face-to-face types of jobs. But what if you don't thrive best in these types of situations? What if, to get the best work done, it's best for you to be in solitude to think in peace and quiet? You may think that such a job might be dull or boring; but to some, it may possibly be their dream job. I, for one, see myself becoming an internal medicine doctor in the future, which includes lots of face-to-face interaction. But, as an introvert, I can see the benefits and ease of working in a sub-specialty medical field such as research or surgery that doesn't require the same face-to-face interaction that patient-heavy internal medicine requires.

On Careerfact.com, it is suggested that introverts are better suited for: finance/accounting, information technology, and education and counseling. And, similarly, according to Yahoo! Education, there are at least six jobs that would be best suited for independent, more solitude-focused work. They are: accountant, graphic designer, medical records and health information technician, financial analyst, computer programmer, and technical writer. Most to all of these professions provide the solitude many introverts need to thrive in, including a space where one can think deeply without distraction from external noises.

However, as Sophia Dembling suggests in the article "The Best Job for Introverts Is No Job (In Particular)", don't feel obligated as an introvert to only focus on getting a job that isn't "proven" to be best for your personality. As Sophia Dembling puts it, the best job for an introvert is "whatever interests them." You don't need to be confined to a particular job, because we are so much more than a statistic; we are more than just an introvert or extrovert.

Finally, the last subject I want to explore is the idea of 'faking it 'til you make it.' On Psychology Today, the message conveyed is that you can 'fake it 'til you make it'. Possibly like my cousin, you can work on simple things like changing your body language into more of an extroverted style. On a related note, as I understand, one can fake being confident by doing as simple of things like having a better posture; in time, I'm told one can trick themselves into believing they really are confident. Same with introversion/extroversion. As the article says, things like not keeping your hands by your side while you talk to somebody or increasing your gesture rate can probably both trick you and others that you are more extroverted than you really are.

On the online Psychologies Magazine, it explains - from Susan Cain's perspective - that there are five main strategies for introverts to shine in an extroverted world. While you may be able to fake extroversion for some amount of time, it's important to know your limits. The online article explains the necessity of: carving out 'restorative niches' throughout the day, looking for opportunities to have one-to-one conversations, identifing your 'sweet spot' - or your ideal level of stimulation, making the most of social media, and being true to yourself.

Now this blog's purpose isn't to sway any introvert into believing s/he needs to change herself/himself to live a happy and fulfilling life. In fact, if anything, I'd like to believe the opposite is true; be true to yourself, as Susan Cain would like all introverts to understand. The purpose is really to show that we all have the internal power to live an idealistic, happy and fulfilling life.

“Whoever you are, bear in mind that appearance is not reality. Some people act like extroverts, but the effort costs them energy, authenticity, and even physical health. Others seem aloof or self-contained, but their inner landscapes are rich and full of drama. So the next time you see a person with a composed face and a soft voice, remember that inside her mind she might be solving an equation, composing a sonnet, designing a hat. She might, that is, be deploying the powers of quiet.” 
― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

Are Introverts Wired Differently Than Extroverts?

Ever since I was little, I wanted to have olive skin. I wanted to tan easily. If I had this complexion, I thought, I would be "cool". Society taught me that having this healthy glow was more appealing; it meant you were attractive and thus had an easy, relaxed life (it was basically visual evidence that you had plenty of time to soak up the sun). However, long ago, it was more attractive to be pale and fair skinned. It meant that you were rich and from noble lines. Basically, our attractiveness standards have changed in American society.

Along the same vein, American culture applauds the "virtues" of extroversion. As Susan Cain explains in her book Quiet, in the early 1900's, led by a man named Dale Carnegie, the agricultural America turned its focus towards being a business powerhouse. At this time, inner attributes that were once valued, such as one's character (like being honorable and well-mannered), soon became sub-par compared to outward characteristics like being fascinating and dynamic. Since then, extroverts have been depicted as more fun, social, funny, interesting, successful, etc. But I'm here to tell you that in reality we're all okay.

“Our culture made a virtue of living only as extroverts. We discouraged the inner journey, the quest for a center. So we lost our center and have to find it again.” Anaïs Nin

Because society holds extroverts to be the ideal, I wanted to be that "cool" kid with the shades, surrounded by adoring friends-the one who had it all. I wanted to be the ideal version of myself. As much as I tried though, I could not pull off a believable attempt of being extroverted. It was because introversion is at the core of who I am (see earlier post "Born This Way"). Expanding on this topic of either being born an introvert or shown to be like an introvert-or both, I began to wonder if an introvert's brain functions differently from that of an extrovert.

According to Ben Thomas, there are several neural clues and intriguing hints that explain how introverts think and process information differently than extroverts. A certain study done in Harvard in 2012 showed that "people who identify as introverts tend to have larger and thicker gray matter in certain areas of the prefrontal cortex, a highly complex brain region associated with abstract thought and decision-making. People who identify as strongly extroverted, on the other hand, tend to have thinner gray matter in those same prefrontal areas—which hints that introverts tend to devote more neural resources to abstract pondering, while extroverts tend to live in the moment." Also, "researchers have found that an introvert’s premotor cortex tends to process stimuli more quickly than that of an extrovert." 

Still other studies found "that the right-hemisphere amygdala tends to be larger in extroverts than in introverts, as does the anterior cingulate cortex... Since other studies have implicated the anterior cingulate in social error detection, this may point to some underlying (but still incompletely understood) differences in the ways introverts and extroverts process social missteps." One last intriguing fact that was brought up by Thomas is that "studies have found that cortical neurons of introverts and extroverts may respond differently to the neurotransmitter chemicals gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) and N-methyl D-aspartate (NMDA)—an intriguing finding since both GABA and NMDA have both been implicated in anxiety disorders."

In a nutshell, the answer to the question is yes. There are several molecular differences between the introvert's and extrovert's brain.

If any introvert is feeling glum while reading this, thinking that there is no possibility of being "cool" like the idealized extrovert, know that it's not a bad thing to be introverted. In fact, several other countries in the world actually value introversion and quietness over extroversion. And just remember that, even in our extroverted-dominant society, introversion was once the more preferred trait one could hold. In any case, I would like to encourage any introvert feeling at a state of loss to focus on the positive qualities you possess and surround yourself with those who celebrate these positive qualities.

“Isn’t it refreshing to know that what comes perfectly natural for you is your greatest strength? Your power is in your nature. You may not think it’s a big deal that you can spend hours immersed in something that interests you—alone—but the extrovert next door has no idea how you do it.” Laurie Helgoe

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

Don't be mad if I leave a party early. It just means that I've had my fill of external stimulation, and it's time for me to go and recharge in solitude. Don't be exasperated if I don't have much to say in a group discussion. I am only thinking before I speak, or I may not have much to say. If I don't want to go on an outing to the mall or other social affair, it's probably because I am due for some "me time" and the crush of people may tire me out. Period. That's it. You "feel" me? This doesn't make me a bad person. I just have a different set of traits that are fed differently than the other one-half to two-thirds of the extroverted world.

In some situations, I may be referred to as "relaxed" or "chill". In other situations, my introverted characteristics are seen as positive. I have been told plenty of times that I am "easygoing", "wise beyond my years", and give off an aura of maturity. In fact, there are plenty of positive traits tied to introversion.

Unfortunately, as the chart above depicts, many people seem to focus on the negatives due to an introverted personality. However, in this post, I am going to focus on all of the potential positives that come with having an introverted personality. Just a few of the many positives linked to being an introvert are: intelligence, conscientiousness, sensitivity, trustworthiness, expert specialization, and leadership. Yes, even leadership. Actually, there have been MANY famous, influential leaders such as Barack Obama, Mahatma Gandhi, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Warren Buffet, and Al Gore just to name a few.

As brilliantly stated by Michaela, there are (at least) 10 advantages of being an introvert. Those include: choosing words carefully to avoid excess or misinterpretation, having imagination, accessing creative ideas through solitude, above-average ability to focus, processing greater amounts of information in any given situation, attentively listening, thinking before acting (obvious benefits), being observant, and having a peaceful nature.


I, for one, can relate to and resemble most to all of these advantages. For example, I have acute, Superman-quality hearing; I can hear the tiniest of sounds like a fly on the opposite side of the room or a train that runs nowhere near my house. This helps greatly when it comes to playing music well. Concentrating also comes pretty naturally to me as well; it may take something as loud as a crash to focus my attention elsewhere in certain cases. This helps with last minute studying and understanding new, complex subjects. I am also very independent; I can do most anything on my own without the need for another person by my side holding my hand (this may also be an effect of being an only child). This trait came in very handy when I started college classes two years before my peers join me. Additionally, flexibility is something I've managed without any effort. Although some people mistakenly believe that introverts are rude, judgmental, or standoffish, the opposite is true. We genuinely DO like people - just give us a chance.

In essence, I think it's important to be able to realize the strengths introverts naturally have, even in the midst of the negativity directed towards us by others who don't know us. If you are feeling down about your "undesirable" traits, just remember that there is so much power introverts hold; just in a different way than extroverts. When you are concentrating on being what others think as unfriendly, shy, or lacking social skills, keep in mind that you have the ability to work well with others, are flexible, independent, and can even have many lasting, meaningful, long-term relationships. If you think you are too quiet and people see you as a blank slate, remember that you really have such a creative mind with the ability to think before you speak - making whatever you say, possibly, more meaningful. If you think of a negative, remember the abundance of positives. Susan Cain basically sums it up:

“Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you're supposed to. Stay home on New Year's Eve if that's what makes you happy. Skip the committee meeting. Cross the street to avoid making aimless chitchat with random acquaintances. Read. Cook. Run. Write a story. Make a deal with yourself that you'll attend a set number of social events in exchange for not feeling guilty when you beg off.” 
― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking